Suddenly the hold up! Hallowe'en and an evening of mulled wine and mince pies just to spite the world, not that the world knows anything.
How can 2 months pass into nothing more than a spiral of disrupted angst ridden monemts of knowing the wrong decissions were made to long ago to do anything but accept the inevitable.
when things look inevitable, sit back and enjoy them
BUt in reality there is not so much to enjoy at times, wrong courses and a life feeling as thouh time cannot be used it is just lost, where every step is a shuffle toward a conclusion so removed from what i hope (yet what I hope is unobtainable and hidden from me still). Here the enjoyment comes from the small moments, the occasional hours when I don't feel alone, usually spent in the company of the boyfriend's flatmates. Moments where an individual person may speak just a few words to me and I smile. Because I'm not that alone, not alone for a moment.
I know. I know within myself that I'm not alone here, I've done alone before and this is not it. But over time I have softened, a year of friends has put behind me any strength of character I once had to accept my lonesome feelings and work on them so I fail to do anything. I repeat to myself of poor unsettling things and imagine that I can do no right. Oh lamented past, where are you in your rose tinted innocence and delight, your perfect days and warming winter nights...
Onward then, more than half semester one passed into the distance and one essay written, no prescribed books read and over half the lectures attended. I can but wonder at the value of my time here. By now I just about know how to find out what to read, and so it is entirely my laziness pushing me to ignore it all... still I wish it were easier to follow or that I could wake up and suddenly be inspired into loving the library... 
